About sixteen years ago, I spoke to a boy in my math class. I don’t remember exactly how that conversation began, but it was something like, “Hey, you did a good job as Nephi in seminary.”
And he replied something like, “Uh, thanks.”
Believe it or not, from this unpromising beginning I soon considered him to be one of my best friends and eventually we got married. We’ve been married for almost seven years now, and I feel like we have a happy marriage. We really haven’t had many problems, and we still look forward to spending eternity together. Of course it helped that I was marrying my best friend, but I don’t think happy marriages happen just by chance. I think it is something we have to work on. And I have learned some things through the years. I don’t think it’s everything, but I hope that you will read it and think about your relationship with your own spouse and I hope this might help you to keep your own marriage as happy as my own has been.
I believe that communication is essential to a happy marriage. I think it is important to talk about how you feel, what you want and what you think with your spouse.
Back in high school, Steven and I used to talk all the time. We talked on the phone for hours at a time, but we never really talked about how we felt about each other. To me, he was just a good friend. But he wanted me to be more than just a friend, and I didn’t know. The summer before I left home to go to BYU, we went to a Youth Conference. The last night of that Youth Conference there was a dance, and I spent most of it dancing with another young man I had met. And Steven spent the evening watching me. I hurt his feelings, and didn’t realize how much I hurt him until a couple days later when I received a letter from him to tell me goodbye forever. Whatever there was between us was over, and that was the last letter he was ever going to write to me. I was heartbroken! Why didn’t I realize what I was doing at the dance? He never told me how much he cared for me, and I didn’t realize he had wanted this last dance together to be something special for the two of us. Later we realized that the sadness and disappointment we both experienced could have been avoided if we had learned to communicate better. We had talked a lot, but I think we had been too insecure and scared to communicate the feelings that really mattered. If we had talked about our feelings, I probably wouldn’t have hurt his feelings at the dance, and been hurt myself when he wrote me to tell me good-bye.
Luckily for me, Steven did write to me again, although it took him several years. By then we both had improved on speaking about how we felt. The second time around, we knew where we stood with each other, and it worked out a lot better.
Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind! He can’t! She can’t! Make life easier for both of you by telling your spouse what you feel, and what you need. If you’re upset because of something he did, let him know so he can apologize and you can forgive him and you can both be happy again. If you’re upset about something that has nothing to do with your spouse, let her know so she can get on with her life without worrying that you are mad at her. If you want your spouse to do something for you, tell him or her so they know, and so you don’t resent them for not knowing. There is a story that tells about a woman who is upset with her husband. Her husband asks her to tell him what he did so he can apologize, and she responds, “If you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you!” Let your spouse know what is going on in your mind and you both will be happier.
In Relief Society a few weeks ago, I received a handout with a quote written on it. It says, “Do you love me or do you not? You told me once, but I forgot.” Tell your spouse you love him or her every day. Tell him that he’s wonderful. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell him you appreciate it when he takes out the trash so cheerfully. Tell her you appreciate all she does to keep the house clean. Let your home be filled with loving words.
Just as I think it important that you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse, I also think it is just as important to listen to your spouse’s feelings, desires and thoughts with respect. You aren’t the only person who matters in your marriage and your spouse’s thoughts and opinions are just as important as your own. Listen to what your spouse has to say and take that into account. Make joint decisions based on what you both want. You may have to compromise sometimes to find something you both like, and that is OK. Don’t ever make fun of your spouse for feeling a certain way. He or she can’t help their feelings.
When two people decide to spend their lives together, and eternity too, it is important for them to work together in making decisions. As a missionary, my first companion in the MTC got very frustrated with me because I tended to leave the decision making up to her. She’d ask me what I wanted to do, and I’d tell her, “Whatever you want.” I didn’t realize until she told me that I was unfairly putting all the burden of making choices on her. I ended up having to make myself a sign: “Be More Assertive” to remind me to figure out what I wanted, and to make those wants be known, rather than just going along with whatever was easiest. That doesn’t mean that I became stubborn and had to do what I wanted all the time, but that I was an active part in the decision making process.
You and your spouse especially need to work together to make those decisions that affect the both of you. Talk about what jobs you want, what kind of home you want to live in, where you want to live, what vacations you want to take, how you want to raise your children. Discuss it, share your feelings and thoughts, and listen to your partner’s feelings and thoughts and then work together to come up with a plan that you can both be happy with. A marriage should be more of a companionship that a dictatorship.
I had another missionary companion who gave me what I call false choices. She would ask me what I wanted to do, and when I suggested something, she would tell me all the reasons why that wasn’t a good choice, and in the end we would end up doing whatever it was she had already planned to do. For example, she would ask me who I wanted to visit that day and I would suggest one family. Then she would give me some reason why we shouldn’t visit them, and tell me we were going to visit someone else instead. I don’t think that’s the way decisions should be made. If there are reasons why one choice would be better than another, I think they should be brought up at the beginning of the conversation so both people know where the situation stands. And then the decision should be worked out together, with both people agreeing on what should be done.
I also believe that it is important for you and your spouse to share with each other the every day experiences that you have. When Steven returns home from work, usually during dinner, we talk about what happened during the day. He asks me how the kids were and if I got any interesting emails, and I ask him about work, if he had things to keep him busy. That way, I understand if he is tired and discouraged because of things at work. He understands if I’m exhausted and frazzled because of things that the kids did during the day. Talking about these things helps us to understand how the other is feeling and therefore be more patient and understanding. It also helps us to keep close, because we know what the other does from day to day.
The Golden Rule says, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Think about how you like to be treated. Do you like when others listen to you? Do you like when others disregard your opinions and feelings? Chances are your husband or wife feels the same way. That’s why I think respect is such an important issue. We know that we are all children of God, with great potential. Each of us has good ideas and each of us has feelings and opinions that are important to take into account, even if you don’t agree with them.
Just because someone doesn’t do something the same way you do, or doesn’t think about something the same way you do, it does NOT mean that they are wrong. Each person is entitled to his or her own opinion. Steven and I put the toilet paper roll on different ways. I put it so the end faces outward so I can find it when I need it. He puts it on with the end hidden in the back where the kids can’t find it to unravel the entire roll. Who does it the right way? Who ever is the one who puts on a new roll when the old one runs out! The point is that each of us does things different ways, and that is OK!
Often, when we have disagreements, and just can’t understand where the other person is coming from, I believe that one cause is because we don’t know the experiences, thoughts and views of our spouse. If we knew everything he or she knew, we might feel the same way. The solution is to share our thoughts that led us to the conclusion we have, and then listen, with respect, to our partner’s thoughts, and if we can both do this with an open mind, I think that often these conflicts can be resolved. Or even if not resolved, at least we know where the other is coming from and can respect the other’s viewpoint even if we don’t agree. Of course, this comes back to communication, but make sure that when you communicate, you do it with respect for the feelings and opinions of your spouse.
Until I got married, I had one way of folding shirts and pants. Steven, on the other hand, would fold them another way. After trying Steven’s way, I discovered that our clothes fit better in our drawers that way! Just because someone does things differently from what you’re used to, it doesn’t mean they are wrong. You might even learn something new!
When we have respect for our spouse as another child of God, we should have tolerance for the things they do. I remember as a newlywed, sitting at our small table for two during breakfast and noticing how loudly my sweet husband was chewing. At the time, I was irritated by it. But I quickly realized that it only seemed loud because our home was so quiet at the time, and that it really wasn’t worth getting upset over.
People usually get married because they love each other. The scriptures say, “charity suffereth long, and …is not easily provoked” (Moroni 7:45). This applies to our husband or wife, especially since he or she is often the one we are closest to, and therefore the most likely to provoke us.
Everyone has quirks, or idiosyncrasies, that seem odd or even annoying. (Steven seems to believe that he’s normal and doesn’t have any. Don’t mention to him the odd noises he makes whenever he shakes someone’s hand or pours ketchup or syrup. I don’t think he realizes he’s doing it.) I have a lot of difficulty sitting still. I’ll be in a church meeting, and my foot will start jiggling, just so part of me is moving. My MTC companion was really bugged by this, and although I tried to stop, she frequently had to remind me that I was doing it again. I had to work hard not to feel resentful that my subconscious habit bothered her so much. I think that most of these types of things should be ignored as much as possible, especially if they aren’t doing any harm. If they are bigger things, like snoring so loudly the other person can’t get any sleep, then the two of you should work together to find a solution that works for both of you.
One of the best tools you can use sometimes is a sense of humor. Always be ready to laugh. On our first date, Steven and I got lost on our way to our Junior Prom, accidentally taking the wrong freeway. That was the first of many times we’ve gotten lost together, but it’s something we can laugh about now when it happens. Some things just aren’t worth getting upset about.
I attended an Enrichment meeting once where the speaker was a marriage counselor, and one of the things I remember him talking about was how important forgiveness is, especially for the one doing the forgiving. I can understand why the Lord said, “of you it is required to forgive all men” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10). Holding grudges is harmful to health, and isn’t good for relationships either.
During our first year of marriage, I remember Steven making some unkind comments about the book I was reading at the time. I felt hurt, and was upset with him for a while. In time I realized that we just have different likes. He enjoys movies that I think are kind of dumb, and he thinks that the science fiction and fantasy books I read are kind of dumb. Since then, we’ve learned to show respect for each other’s taste in entertainment, even if we don’t share all the same likes and dislikes. And I’ve long since forgiven Steven for the comments he made so long ago.
Forgive quickly. Don’t let things fester and cause bad feelings. I don’t say you should never go to bed angry at each other. Sometimes getting a good night’s sleep can do a lot of good towards resolving a conflict. But don’t let the bad feelings grow over several days. Don’t dwell on your feelings of hurt or pain. Talk about your feelings with your spouse. He or she may not even realize that what they said or did hurt you. Remember why you were married in the first place. Be quick to apologize when you offend, and be quick to forgive when you are offended. You’ll both live a lot happier that way.
Always be kind to your spouse. Be as nice to him or her as you would be to a perfect stranger or to your best friend. Remember how you treated him or her when you were dating and engaged, and continue to treat your spouse that well.
Always speak well of your spouse, whether he or she is nearby or not. Don’t even say unkind things, even as a joke. So many jokes have a barb of truth beneath them that they can be very painful to the one they are aimed at. If you become accustomed to speaking of your spouse as a clumsy oaf, eventually you may really see him or her as a clumsy oaf. If, however, you always speak of your spouse as being handsome and talented, your spouse will be handsome and talented. Think how you might feel if your spouse said something unkind about you to some one else. You might be able to laugh it off or ignore it, but it might also leave a sting that would hurt. You might feel less love towards your spouse. On the other hand, it feels good to hear your spouse say kind things about you to others. That will help to draw the two of you closer.
If you do have a problem with your spouse, don’t tell your friends. Don’t tell the people you see at work. Don’t even tell your parents. Especially don’t tell your children. Talk to your spouse about it directly. Resolve the problem and try not to let other people know there was one. I realize that sometimes there may be problems so big that it might be too hard for you and your spouse to work it out between you. That is the time when it would be wise to turn to a bishop or marriage counselor, someone who can help you resolve your problems in confidentiality.
I’ve heard that money is one of the leading reasons for divorce. So much depends on it, and life is really hard without it. I think that a lot of problems could be overcome if the couple sat down and agreed on what things were most important to them.
Steven and I used to take an institute class for young married people. In one of those classes I remember listening to another couple discuss the purchase of a boat. From what I remember, the young man wanted to buy a boat because he had lots of fun with his family on boating trips and he wanted his wife and children to have the same kind of fun. There was a boat sale occurring in the near future and he thought that would be a great opportunity to buy one. His wife, although agreeing that it would be fun to have a boat, was concerned because they also wanted to purchase a home, and they were expecting a baby, and she wasn’t sure there would be enough money for everything. She thought it might be better to wait a while before buying a boat. The young man and his wife both thought that it would be fun to own a boat. But to the wife, other things took higher priority. If the two of them had sat down to discuss and agree on what was most important to them, it might have been easier for them to resolve this conflict.
Steven and I have been very blessed to have similar priorities. It has always been important to both of us to stay out of debt. That’s why we have always owned one car instead of two: because we’ve never been able to afford a second car, and we are both unwilling to go into debt to buy another one. We both value books, and so we don’t mind much if our spouse purchases a new book to add to our collection. When husband and wife have similar priorities, it helps them to feel better about purchases the other makes.
When we were first married, Steven’s financial system consisted of cashing his paycheck when he received it, putting the tithing in one fold of his wallet, and the remainder in another fold of his wallet. I, on the other hand, was used to keeping track of every penny that came in or out. Now, Steven is an accountant, but I am still the one responsible for paying the bills and keeping track of the money in our family. But I let Steven know how we are doing. We have a budget and we try to stick to it.
Families should set up a budget and set spending limits so they know how much they have available to spend and so they can live within their means. For financial peace, always spend less than you make! Avoid debt as much as possible. Pay cash whenever you can, and pay credit card balances off monthly. It’s hard, but it’s possible.
Pay tithing. Don’t deny yourself the blessings that come from paying tithing. I remember times in college when I was living from paycheck to paycheck, sometimes waiting to go to the store to buy food because I didn’t have enough money. But I always paid my tithing, and so I was always blessed. I remember times when my sister Lindy would invite me over for dinner, or a roommate would make extra food and offer to share some with me. I never went hungry, and I credit that to paying tithing.
Put some money away for a rainy day. Steven and I started off by transferring money into a CD every month. Later he got a job that offered a 401(k) and so we took advantage of that. It doesn’t really matter how much or how you go about doing it, but try to save something from each paycheck. That way, when troubles come, you have something to fall back on.
Our first car, a ’76 Mercedes, blew up one day. Suddenly we were left without any transportation, or even anything to trade for a new car. That is just one time when we were grateful that we had put some money aside, so we were able to buy a car when we needed to.
I also suggest budgeting for each to have his or her own limited amount of “free” money for which he or she doesn’t have to account for. For Steven and me it is the cash we carry around in his wallet and my purse. This is for incidentals, personal treats, whatever we want. It could even be used to buy something for our spouse without him or her knowing about it.
I also think it would be wise for husband and wife to discuss together before purchasing anything really big or expensive. I’m talking about anything from a car, or a piece of furniture, to a pet. I don’t like to buy anything over $20 or so without consulting Steven unless it’s something we’ve already talked about getting.
These are things that have worked for Steven and me. Talk with your spouse and figure out a way of managing your money that will work for the two of you. Communicate. Don’t let money matters come between you.
I like the way that the Relief Society and Priesthood lessons are structured. Most weeks we study the same thing, and so on the drive home from church, or later on in the day, Steven and I can compare notes, talk about the lessons we heard and discuss things we’d like to apply in our own lives. We can share promptings we received and insights we heard, or even funny stories that were brought up in our respective classes.
General Conference is also a good time for us to discuss the talks that we had the opportunity to listen to, especially since frequently one or the other of us missed a good talk because we were dealing with children at the time. As we drive home we can talk about what talks we enjoyed, pick out themes we noticed, and share insights that we gained.
Steven and I received a subscription to the Ensign as a wedding gift, and we have renewed that subscription from year to year since then. I enjoy talking about the articles in the magazine with Steven once we have both read them.
Discussing the gospel with each other helps us to grow together spiritually. It helps us to feel the Spirit, and the Spirit draws us close and helps us to feel the love of our Father in Heaven as well as the love of our eternal companion.
When we were first married, Steven and I used to read the scriptures together. I really enjoyed that because we could share our thoughts and learn new things from each other. Even now, we read the scriptures at the same time, although not the same thing, and once in a while we will stop to share something interesting that we just read, or a thought that we had while we were reading. This way, we can grow together spiritually, by sharing the insights that we have.
Steven is making an index of scriptures for his own use. As he reads the scriptures, when he comes across one that discusses one of the topics in his book, he writes it down. Eventually he will have a wonderful resource to turn to when he wants to study any of the fifty or so topics in his index. I like to look over his shoulder when he is working on it and read the scriptures he has found. Sometimes when I’m reading and come across a scripture that deals with one of his topics, I’ll mention it to him so he can record it in his book if he hasn’t got it already. I support him in his scripture study just as he supports me when I study the scriptures. It draws us together.
We also pray together. We pray every morning before Steven leaves for work, and we pray together every evening before we say our personal prayers and go to bed. I enjoy listening to Steven pray. I like to listen as he talks about the trials that we experienced during the day, and ask blessings for each of our children and me. It is a comfort to me to know that my husband and I are on the same track spiritually. It also shows me the love he has for me when he prays about the problems that I encounter during my days. It lets me know that he cares about what I’m going through and is seeking the Lord’s help for me. I like listening to him when he prays for our family because I know that he loves us and wants the best for us. Knowing of his love makes me love him even more.
I also enjoy the opportunity to pray for him. I care about his health, how he is enjoying work, his interests, and I pray for him to receive the blessings he needs from day to day. I also appreciate a chance to tell my Heavenly Father how grateful I am that He blessed me with a man as wonderful as Steven for a husband. It is one way I can express the love I have for him.
When trouble looms in a marriage, prayer is a good way to ask the Lord’s help to overcome it. Whether you ask for his help together or individually, he answers. His Spirit gives comfort. With faith, all things are possible; all troubles can be resolved. Marriage can continue as strong as ever.
Steven and I also go to the temple together. Since we no longer live near other members of our family, it is more difficult to get babysitters to watch the kids while we take the trip down to the Denver temple. We don’t even get out much for dates, but it is nice to have an excuse to leave the kids at home once a month to go to the temple. We enjoy the drive down, being able to talk without the children overhearing or interrupting. We enjoy the spiritual peace that we feel within the walls of the temple. We have done sealings and been able to remember that special day when we were sealed together. We have received answers to prayers asking for direction in helping our children or improving our relationship with each other. Being in the temple together helps us to renew our commitment to each other.
I don’t know of anything that helps to strengthen the marriage relationship more than doing things that help you grow together spiritually. Eternity is a long time, but it will be much more enjoyable with someone you love at your side. Help each other so you can arrive in the Celestial Kingdom together.
A couple years ago, I read a book entitled “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s a good book. I’m not going to paraphrase the entire book, but I will suggest that you read it if you get a chance. It says that people have different ways of expressing love, or of receiving love from other people. Mr. Chapman calls this their “love language”, and says that if a person’s own love language is not being filled, they won’t feel loved, no matter how much love is shown them in other ways. In his book, Mr. Chapman describes five major love languages. My suggestion is to find out which love language your spouse needs, show them love that way, and then add on the other languages as icing on the cake whenever you can.
When I returned home from my mission, Steven tried his best to convince me that he was the one I should spend the rest of eternity with. I didn’t have my own car, and he gave me rides to church, to institute, even to training for work that was quite a distance away. He kept me company while most of my other friends were either married and living in other states or else serving missions in far parts of the world. In other words, Steven performed many acts of service for me, and because of the services he performed, I felt the love he had for me.
Service is my own love language. I show the love I have for Steven by serving him. I try to keep the house relatively clean, pack his lunches and make sure dinner is ready or pretty close to being ready when he returns home from work. I make sure he has clean clothes to wear, and that his shirts and dress pants hang in his closet the way he likes them. I feel loved when Steven helps me bathe the kids or clean up the house or when he does the dishes. I feel especially loved when he does something for me without being asked. Sometimes I have to ask for help, and that’s OK too, although it helps when the person I ask agrees to help cheerfully. Next best is if they explain why they can’t or won’t apologetically, if it’s a valid excuse. I feel very unloved if the answer is “no”, and the person I asked is sitting in front of the TV channel surfing. (I must mention that Steven almost never does this, for which I am very grateful.) And I feel unloved if the answer is “maybe later” and ends up forgotten.
I don’t usually make “to do” lists. I don’t usually have that much that needs doing at a time. I recently saw the following Blondie comic strip that I enjoyed.
I like this comic because it shows one way for someone to ask her spouse to do something, and both come away from it feeling good about it.
When I have something I’d like for Steven to do for me, I usually ask him, “Steven, would you do [this] for me when you get a chance? I’d like to have it done by [this day].” When I ask him this way, he doesn’t have to drop what he’s doing right at that moment, but he knows how soon I’d like it to be done. And because he loves me, he’s really good about doing whatever it is within the specified time. And I try to be careful not to give him too much at once, and to make sure that he has plenty of time to accomplish whatever it is I’m asking him to do. And I don’t nag. He hates that. (Who wouldn’t?)
So help your spouse when he or she asks for help, but also do something nice for your spouse without being asked. Take out the trash, pick up the clothes on the floor, do the dishes, do something for your spouse that is normally his or her job.
From the time we were engaged until our wedding Steven wrote me a poem every day, and on our wedding day he presented me with a book, including all the poems he had ever written for me. They weren’t all serious, in fact some of them were just silly, but they were always complimentary and showed me that he was thinking of me and really did love me. He also told me in person that he loved me and went out of his way to make me feel special.
Some people love to be told that they are special and loved. They crave the verbal approval of other people. This is Steven’s love language. He loves to be appreciated. He likes for people to be amazed at how well he has accomplished a difficult task. He is a perfectionist, and likes to be sure that everything is just right, and he likes when other people acknowledge that it really is just right. I enjoy how free he is with compliments for me. I love how he tells me I’m beautiful, and how frequently he tells me he loves me. There is something very comforting in knowing where I stand with him. This isn’t my own love language though. At first it kind of embarrassed me to hear him say those things. I never knew what to say in return, and so I felt a bit uncomfortable. Even today, sometimes it is hard for me to find the words to tell him how much I love him in return. It is something I have worked on, and will probably continue to work on. I’m just grateful that Steven is patient with me.
Understanding that this is Steven’s love language helps in other ways as well. Steven goes to work for eight hours, five days a week. That’s almost a third of his life that he spends at work! It is important to both of us that he enjoys the time that he spends working. Because Steven needs to hear words of affirmation, he needs to be appreciated for what he does while he is at work. Although I try to let him know that I am grateful for the time he spends and the work he does to support our family so I can stay home, he needs to feel like he is doing something worthwhile while he is at work. He needs the appreciation of his boss and coworkers. When he feels like he isn’t working up to his potential, when he gets bored, when he isn’t impressing people with what he can do, he starts looking for another job. I understand this about him, and so I support him when he gets the urge to move on. It helps that Steven has always had a goal to work towards. Each job he has had since we were married has been a step towards that goal. His need to be valued influences what type of job he gets and what kind and size of company he works for. Because I understand that this is what he needs, I can support him in his job searches, and in the work he does.
When Steven and I were engaged, it seemed like we couldn’t spend enough time together. We were both working, both serving in the temple, but on different nights. We really enjoyed the time that we could spend doing things together, even if it was just sitting on a sofa next to each other with nothing to talk about at the moment. I even enjoyed going to the temple on nights when Steven was serving as an Ordinance worker there, because I could sit in sessions where he was officiating, and just be near him. (Not to mention that I enjoyed the long drives to the temple and back with him.) At times it was really hard to tell him goodbye, because I hated being separated from him.
Things changed a bit when we were finally married. We didn’t have to say goodbye at night. We just went to bed and woke up the next morning and were together until one of us had to go to work. But then we started having children and so while I was at home all day, Steven was still taking classes at school, and then when he finally graduated from school he started studying for the CPA exam and working long hours. There were weeks when I felt like I hardly ever saw him. He got his CPA license and didn’t have to work as long, and it was wonderful for me to finally have my husband around in the evenings without having to study or go to classes.
Quality time, although not my main love language, is still an important love language for me. It is difficult to truly know someone with whom you spend no time. You tend to grow apart, gaining different interests that separate you. There is a peak in divorce rates around retirement age, when couples find themselves spending more time together than previously when they were each involved in their own separate careers and activities. I got a small taste of this once when Steven quit a job that he really hated before he had another job to replace it. He was home with me during the day, and for a while it frustrated me. He was looking for jobs online or polishing his resume on the computer when I wanted to be on it, and I felt like I had to rearrange my entire schedule around him. But since then, we’ve had many other days when he has been at home, and I have really enjoyed having him around. Steven and I enjoy taking walks together and we enjoy talking together. I believe it is a good idea for couples to find things that they enjoy doing together, and then make a point of doing those things together frequently.
I am not, however, implying that all free time should be spent together. Husband and wife both need time on their own to do things they enjoy doing individually. Steven likes to take long bike rides, and I try to encourage that, even though it takes him away from me. Sometimes I think spending some time away can help us to appreciate each other more. Like the old saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” a little time apart can be good for a relationship. But also remember the other saying, “Absence makes the heart go yonder.” If you spend too much time apart, it may be harder to rebuild your relationship with each other again.
Some people feel the love of others and express their own love through physical contact. They are the people who feel wonderful if they get a pat on the back. They are the ones who like to reach out and touch the people they are talking to. They are people who love to hug. Physical touch is not my love language. I need to have a lot of personal space, and it bugs me when most people come too close, or touch me unnecessarily. My husband is the exception. I love being close to him, and touching him or being touched by him is comforting and reassuring. Now, I’m not talking about what happens in the bedroom. Yet. Steven and I like to take walks together, and we like holding hands as we walk. When Steven comes home from work in the evening, I love when he finds me and gives me a warm hug and a kiss because it shows that he missed me. When we go shopping together, Steven usually pushes the shopping cart, and I like to hold his arm lightly as we wander up and down the aisles. I love backrubs, especially after a long day cleaning or vacuuming or carrying the kids around. One of my favorite birthday presents ever was a little plastic turtle with balls for feet, which Steven uses to massage my back. It feels wonderful! I love that he is willing to spend the time and the energy to give me a good backrub. Sometimes when we are driving in the car, or sitting side-by-side in a meeting, Steven will reach over and hold my hand, rest his arm across my shoulders, or just rest his hand on my leg. Sometimes I’ll reach over to run my fingers through his hair or rub his neck, ear or back. I’m comforted knowing that if I’m ever sad or discouraged, that Steven is always willing to wrap his arms around me and hold me. And at night I like feeling his arms around me as we go to sleep.
Touch is important! I remember reading about a study done on infants, where the infants in an orphanage who were held survived and thrived much better than those who were left to lay alone in their cribs. I don’t think the need for physical contact disappears as we grow older. I think that we will feel better and our marriage will prosper if we discover what kinds of touch our partner likes, and do it.
Now, as far as what happens in the bedroom: here is another aspect of married life where I feel that communication is important. Let your partner know what you like and what you don’t like. Let him know if something is uncomfortable or hurts. Let her know if something is distracting or annoying. Share your own feelings, but also be considerate of the other’s feelings. Work together to make the time you spend together pleasant for both of you.
Also be aware that if there are problems in other aspects of your relationship, they will be reflected in the more intimate moments. It’s difficult to give heart and soul to an expression of love when you are feeling unkind or hurt feelings toward the person you’re with. Also remember that the longer you’re together, the better it gets. Trust me.
The fifth, and last, love language is for those who feel love and express their own love through the receiving and giving of gifts. Neither my husband nor I are gift people. I’m not sure if that is because we’re too frugal, or just because we don’t feel like we need them. But gifts are fun anyways. It’s fun to surprise your spouse with an unexpected gift once in a while. It doesn’t matter if it’s something small like a flower or a favorite candy bar, just as long as it shows that you were thinking of him or her. Steven knows that I like chocolate. Once in a while he will acquire some chocolate candies or other small treat at work from a vendor or someone, and he will bring it home as a gift for me. For more special occasions (like Valentines Day or Mothers Day) he will get me flowers or some other gift to show he remembered what day it was. Since I don’t usually have a car during the day, it’s a little more difficult for me to get out and purchase a gift for Steven, but occasionally I will make a favorite dessert for him. Another way we give gifts to each other is by allowing the other to make purchases that we know he or she has been wanting for a while.
My mother in law is a gifts kind of person. She loves to make dresses for my daughter, send treats, videos, clothing, whatever in big packages, and I think that is how she shows her love. I have struggled with this a lot, because I’m proud and I tend to think that when she sends packages and things, it is because she feels that Steven and I aren’t competent enough to provide those things ourselves. But, I know this isn’t really so. Rejecting the gift of a gift-oriented person makes that person feel like you are rejecting that person’s love. So, accept gifts graciously. Thank the giver, and recognize the gift as a token of that person’s affection.
I’ve written here some of my own experiences and thoughts about things that I feel have made my own marriage a happy one. I do realize that each person is different, and so every marriage relationship is different. What works for Steven and me may not work for you. What works for you might be completely different from what works for me. Take what I’ve written as a suggestion, something to think about. Read it with your spouse and talk over what I’ve said, adopt what you both like, ignore what you don’t. I won’t be offended. I just want to share with you some ideas of what has helped me in my own life.
When I was in college at BYU, I took a course in Money Management. One of the things we discussed in class was that you never can get enough of what you don’t need because what you don’t need will never satisfy you. I’ve heard of families where the husband works long hours so he can provide the finest things in life for his family, but his family feels unloved because they never see him. It doesn’t matter how big a house, how fancy the boat, how nice the car, or how many things he gives them, because what they really need is a husband and father at home with them, instead of away working.
Find out what love language your spouse needs. Read this or Gary Chapman’s book together and discuss it, and find out what your husband or wife really needs so you can meet those needs. If your spouse needs “quality time” and you only give them “physical touch”, he or she is not going to feel loved and is not going to be happy with you. However, if you spend lots of “quality time” with him or her, plus give sprinklings of “physical touch” and “gifts” and “acts of service” and “words of affirmation”, your spouse will feel wonderfully loved, and will love you in return.
Let your spouse be part of your spiritual life. Share your spiritual experiences, and do things together that will help you both grow spiritually. Make your marriage a true partnership, where both make decisions about finances and other important things. Communicate your feelings and thoughts and listen to your companion’s feelings and thoughts with respect. Always, always, always be kind. Think of what your spouse would like and do those things. Make sure he or she knows and feels your love in as many ways as you can express it. Remember that temple marriages are eternal. Make your relationship with your spouse one that you would like to continue for all eternity.